


A Rush

by oldworldsrunnerup



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Medical Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:53:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3108494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldworldsrunnerup/pseuds/oldworldsrunnerup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Word vomit I wrote for eruri week 2014. Been walking around with this idea for a while. I write about medical things a lot, HHT sometimes. Modern AU. Incorporates past+domestic+sacrifice. </p>
<p>Word count: ~3000</p>
<p>CASE NO. 0081467</p>
<p>Patient summary: Erwin Smith. Caucasian male, 47 years old. Occupation: Physician. Married, no children.</p>
<p>Medical history: First participated in university study of Hereditary hemorrhagic telangiectasia (HHT) at age 22. Diagnosed father at 24. Diagnosed self at age 25. Current medications: intravenous iron (weekly), prednisone 20mg tablets, Levaquin 250mg. Number of surgeries: 10. Number of laser treatments: 15. Father’s age at death: 55 years. Patient’s life expectancy: 55 years.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His nose bleeds every day in the shower. Not all at once and not always the same amount, but every day. He takes long showers, watches the blood flow down the drain. He loses track of the minutes. Sometimes, when he’s been in there too long, he’ll hear Levi’s voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Rush

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AberrantCaptain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AberrantCaptain/gifts).



“Do you ever want to buy something, or build something, just to burn it down?”

The bathroom sinks are on opposite sides of the master bathroom, so when Levi looks up he can see Erwin’s face in the mirror, and he’s smiling. In that strange way Levi isn’t quite sure he understands yet. Might not ever understand. Erwin has just showered and is in his towel. He’ll change into that disgusting old bathrobe he’s had for years before they go out to the kitchen to drink their morning coffee together.

Levi blinks. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Erwin laughs, as if this is exactly the reaction he expects. He lets the towel drop to the floor.

“Hey, ass. Don’t leave that there.” Levi’s eyes narrow, and he starts patting his face dry with a clean washcloth. When he turns around, Erwin smirks a little into the mirror and makes a big show of bending down to pick the wet towel off of the tile. He puts on the bathrobe. Levi sees that his lips are pale this morning.

“Tear something down. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it.” Erwin runs a hand through his hair, which hangs messily over his forehead. He needs a haircut.

“Thought about what?” Levi asks.

“Building something. Creating something. Tearing it down. Watching it burn. You know?” Erwin’s left eyebrow flicks upward and his eyes sparkle a little in that strange way that scares Levi sometimes.

“No,” Levi says. “I haven’t thought about it.”

Erwin shrugs, knots the bathrobe around his waist. “Think about it.” He leaves Levi in the bathroom. Levi approaches Erwin’s sink and there’s a drop of blood on the lip of the bowl. He stares at it for a moment before wiping it with a paper towel.

\-----------------

Erwin reads too much, Levi has decided. He reads everything. Newspapers, journals, and too many books. Sometimes Levi wants to take him by his face and pull him out of the pages and yell at him _Pay attention to me_. But he doesn’t, because it’s nothing. Just a feeling. Now, as they sit with their coffee, Erwin is reading a pamphlet they got in the mail the other day. It’s junk, something advertising European cruises. Levi almost threw it out. Or did throw it out, and Erwin fished it out of the trash. Levi isn’t sure what would be worse. He stares at the stupid thing, burning holes in it with his pupils. Erwin doesn’t notice. When he finally looks up at Levi over his reading glasses, he has that strange look again.

“We should go on a cruise.” He flaps the pamphlet at Levi. “Look. There are so many stops. So many places to get off. We could go to France.”

Levi squints at the pamphlet, which is warm-toned and not too glossy, so it’s not completely obnoxious. It’s not even an ocean cruise. It’s river cruises. Levi opens his mouth, then closes it again. “I thought you wanted to build the house.”

_The house._ Erwin has always wanted to build that damn house on the golf course outside of town. That Perry Maxwell-fucking thing that Levi has to admit he’d like if he liked golf. Or could play golf. Or if he gave a fuck. Erwin’s wanted to build that damn house for years now. But since that weird comment he made in the bathroom this morning, Levi isn’t sure what to think. _Do you ever want to buy something, or build something, just to burn it down? Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it._ Levi shivers.

“We’ll build the house,” Erwin says, all confidence. “Then go on the cruise. Or vice-versa.”

What Levi doesn’t say is that he knows how much Erwin’s nose bleeds lately. Knows how the tiny vessels in his lips burst and bleed with no provocation. Every year that goes by, Erwin bleeds more. Every year, he has to get the inside of his nose cauterized and filled with silver nitrate. Sometimes twice a year. At least now Levi knows he’s not a werewolf.

Even if they build the house, Levi is afraid one day he’ll come home to a pile of rubble and ashes, and Erwin smiling.

\-----------------

Erwin’s eyes flick steadily over the x-rays, and he dictates. He’s working in the downstairs CT area this week. Reading, dictating. He needs to get stronger glasses lately, but he won’t get lasik surgery because he has an irrational fear that they’ll fuck it up and he won’t be able to do his job. His job that requires constant reading, constant scanning. Detecting tiny bits of cancer, abnormal growths. In lungs, hearts, brains, livers, mammary glands. Broken bones. Malformations. Levi would sometimes go to work with Erwin, since he’s always done his own work from his computer anyway and can take it anywhere. He’d sit beside Erwin in the dimly lit room, watching the soft white-blue light on Erwin’s face, and his pupils, constantly scanning. _How many tits did you see today, Smith?_ Levi would joke on the days that he didn’t go to work with him, when Erwin got home in the evening. _More than you’ve ever seen in your life,_ Erwin would answer, laughing. _What, jealous?_

After Erwin leaves for work, Levi sits in the kitchen, tapping away at his laptop but not really looking at the screen. He remembers the first time he saw Erwin’s nose bleed. They’d taken Erwin’s car out to dinner at a new seafood restaurant across town, and halfway through Erwin’s second drink, blood started to flow out of his nose in a rush. Erwin’s hand had gone under his nose immediately, and Levi saw only the slightest flash of alarm in his eyes as he gracefully excused himself, leaving a few drops of blood on the edge of the table, which Levi had hurriedly wiped away. At least the thick cloth napkin was burgundy. When Erwin came back to the table ten minutes later, the only evidence left was a tiny spot on the cuff of his white dress shirt.

Erwin didn’t tell Levi about his father until after they’d moved into the condo together, and Levi had seen Erwin’s nose bleed a thousand times. In bed one night when it was completely dark, some floodgate broke in Erwin’s voice and he talked. Talked for hours. His father had always bled. Erwin had grown up watching it. Dinners, graduations, everything seemed interrupted by the spontaneous stream of blood from his father’s nose. In high school, Erwin got hit in the nose playing basketball and the bleeding wouldn’t stop. He had to go to the hospital and get his nose packed. He had to keep the packs in for a week. Then, a year later, his nose started bleeding unexpectedly. Then consistently. When Erwin got into medical school, he diagnosed his father. Finally. After no one else could. And then he diagnosed himself. An autosomal-dominant genetic disorder. A fifty-percent chance of inheritance by offspring. Fifty-fifty. And then, at fifty-five, his father was dead. From a stroke. He bled and bled and threw a clot to his brain and that was it. Fifty-five.

Levi had held him that night, his heart thudding away in his chest. He could feel Erwin gazing at the ceiling, how his lips looked as they moved in the dark. Levi held him, and he wasn’t sure which one of them fell asleep first.

\-----------------

Erwin gets an iron infusion on his lunch break. His veins are huge and puffy, which he’s glad about because it means he isn’t dehydrated anymore. He knows the iron will make him nauseated the rest of the day, the rest of the week. But he’d rather do it now than when he’s off and doesn’t have to be there. When he’d rather be home with Levi. The nurse smiles at him and knows to put the needle in the big solid vein at the top of his wrist. Not his hand, because he has too many valves, and not the inside of his elbow, because it makes him feel faint. The needle slips right in and he sighs and smiles back. He picks up his phone and stares at the screen for a second before calling Levi. When Levi answers, his voice sounds a bit muffled, like he’s holding a bundle of laundry close to his face. Erwin leans back in the chair.

“How is everything?” he says mildly.

Levi is in fact doing laundry. Sorting towels. The white ones are his, the red ones Erwin’s. He cradles the phone against his ear. “Wonderful. How is work?”

“About the same.” Erwin absently watches the iron move through the tube. His mouth is dry, and he tongues at a spot on his lower lip. He’ll put on Carmex when his hands are free.

“That bad, huh?” Levi starts folding the pile of red towels and notices a darker spot on the corner of one of them.

“Most definitely.” Erwin flexes his wrist and watches the vein flare a little. “I’m bringing home dinner, and it’s a surprise.”

Levi doesn’t like surprises, but he knows Erwin likes them even less.

“Well hurry up, Smith. Miss you.”

\-----------------

Later that night, after they work out and eat, Erwin takes a shower, and Levi calls for him from the bedroom, and Erwin doesn’t answer. He calls again, a little louder, getting up from the bed and flexing his toes, still in his workout socks. Something punches in his gut when he gets to the bathroom and sees Erwin curled up around the shower drain, his face pale and his lips tinged with red.

“Erwin.” Levi doesn’t recognize his own voice. Erwin stirs like he’s trying to get up but can’t. Levi pulls open the shower door and bends down in the stream, and he’s in his running shorts and shirt and socks but doesn’t give a fuck because he’s afraid he’s not going to be able to move him.

Erwin murmurs. “I’m sorry. Just tired.”

Levi bites down on his lip hard and takes Erwin under the arms, trying to hoist him to his feet. He looks purple now, purple and white, the red above his lip the only warm tone on his face. Levi gets him out of the shower after what feels like ages and bundles him in one of the clean, warm towels he washed earlier and gets a cloth for his nose before helping him out to the bed. He lays him down gently and tucks the towel around him and he doesn’t even care when blood oozes onto the sheets when Erwin lays his head down. Levi stares down at him, then brushes Erwin’s wet bangs away from his eyes. Erwin is breathing slowly. His eyelids flutter and he reaches for Levi’s hand.

\-----------------

A week later, Levi has finally started to not hold his breath. The spell in the shower was an anomaly. Even Erwin said so. Levi is looking up a procedure where the patient’s nose is sewn shut, permanently, preventing all blood loss. The catch is, the patient will no longer have a sense of smell. And necrosis is a risk factor. A quality of life issue. Erwin says that Levi wouldn’t like him without a nose. A functioning nose, anyway. Levi wonders if Erwin will ever change his mind.

One night in bed Levi asked Erwin is he ever wanted kids. Erwin was silent for a long moment, then answered that he would, but only if they weren’t his. Because there was a fifty-fifty chance. They haven’t talked about having kids in a long time.

\-----------------

When Erwin gets home from work, he smells like smoke. Levi’s eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything. Erwin makes a couple of strong martinis for them at dinner and he gets a hungry look in his eyes when Levi turns to him at the table, his cheeks slightly flushed and his tongue grazing his teeth. Erwin sucks the alcohol off of Levi’s bottom lip as he grabs his face and kisses him hard. He carries Levi to the bed and puts him down on his back, slipping his hands up his shirt and running his fingertips over every goosebump on Levi’s skin. He spreads his hands over his whole torso before bending down to kiss his stomach, teasing him above the waistband of his pants until Levi is shuddering against him and telling him in a scarce voice to _get on with it_. Erwin sucks him off slowly as he works him open, Levi’s head rolling from side to side then back flat against the mattress. Erwin fucks him too slowly and it burns and he knows he’ll have an ache deep inside him for days but it doesn’t matter and he doesn’t care and as slow as it is, it isn’t slow enough.

After they’ve lain in the dark for a while Levi reaches up to touch Erwin’s lips and finds a rough spot. He leans in and kisses him, and he can still smell and taste the tobacco from earlier.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Levi says. In the dark, all he can see are lesions. Arteriovenous malformations. In Erwin’s heart, brain, lungs. On his lips. He touches the spot again. In the dark, he can feel Erwin smiling.

The next morning, Erwin dumps the plans for the house under Levi’s nose at the breakfast table, and he smiles.

\-----------------

It takes them a year, but they build the house. It’s hideous, and Levi loves it. Probably because Erwin loves it. The house is a split-level on the golf course, shaped like an octagon, with the side facing the course entirely made of large windows that let the light in during the day and the stars in at night. Hardwood floors, granite countertops. The thick, solid kind that Erwin always wanted. He puts the piano in the entryway so that the whole house can hear when Levi plays. Iron-wrought chandelier overhead. Erwin positions the couch facing the windows so he can sit and hold Levi’s hand as they sip drinks. His thumb runs over Levi’s knuckles, and Levi leans his head against his chest and sighs.

\-----------------

One night, Erwin’s nose starts to bleed and won’t stop. Levi presses a towel under his nose and helps him into the passenger seat of their car, trying not to puke. He speeds to the hospital, helps Erwin out. Levi doesn’t understand how Erwin is able to stand. He’s the color of milk, towel clutched in his hand around the lower half of his face. Still, with the damn towel over his face and his voice muffled, Erwin calmly explains the situation to the person at the desk. Levi can see that his knees are trembling. When they take Erwin back, Levi sinks down into a chair and puts his head between his knees, willing himself not to throw up.

About an hour later, Erwin’s nose is packed and he lies serenely on his back on the bed, a blanket pulled up under his armpits. Levi tiptoes into the room. The air is too dry and he makes a note to ask someone for a humidifier. He blinks down at Erwin. “Damn, Smith. You look rough,” he blurts out.

Erwin makes a noise that sounds almost like a laugh. “You’re so sweet,” he says thickly. The packs in his nose shift and he tries not to wince. He exhales slowly. The circles under his eyes look almost black.

“Erwin.”

He blinks slowly, looking up at Levi through his eyelashes.

“Packs are coming out in a half-hour. Then they’re going to sew me back up.” The corner of Erwin’s mouth flicks upward.

Levi swallows hard. _They might find something. What if they find something. What if_

Erwin is speaking softly to him and Levi’s brain comes back to the room. Refocuses. He feels himself get up and go over to the little side table on the other side of the room with Erwin’s things on it. The things they had to take out of his pockets when they took his pants off to put him in the gown. His ring, the watch Levi got him last Christmas, his impossibly thin wallet with the dark blue credit card made of metal. The one he has to take out when he goes to the airport because it sets the metal detector off. And that pamphlet. The one for the river cruises. Levi stares down at it for a second, then picks it up, gripping it in his hand as he goes back over to Erwin and sits down in the chair by the bed once more. He opens it and starts to read it aloud.

“‘Exploring the world in comfort. The world’s leading cruise line…by far.’”

Erwin watches him the whole time, then reaches out and takes his hand.

\-----------------

They’re about to wheel him back. He has a couple IV tubes coming out of him, his arms lying face up at his sides, but not unnaturally. As if Erwin let his arms fall there of their own accord and it’s the most comfortable thing in the world. Levi feels sick again. He reaches down to stroke Erwin’s hair.

“I’ll be here,” Levi hears himself saying.

Erwin smiles serenely, blinking slowly at Levi. Which Levi knows is Erwin’s way of kissing him.

“Wait for me,” Erwin says.

They pull the bed away from him, down the hall, and Levi’s vision sucks down into a tunnel, the hall crowding around him, the white of the floor, the walls. As they push him through the doors, Erwin holds up the river cruise pamphlet, clutching it in his fist. He waves it a little, and as the doors close, Levi knows Erwin is smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> for aberrantcorporal. my levi. always.
> 
> you can find me on tumblr as Erwin at commande-moi.tumblr.com
> 
> More about HHT: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hereditary_hemorrhagic_telangiectasia


End file.
